So the start of the new year with goals and aspirations of losing weight and saving money has begun. We make all these changes for ourselves, and would love for changes to be with our family as well. With our kids growing and changing as they begin to develop as an intellectual, there are certain behaviors that they go through to display what they are feeling. In the book, Positive Discipline by author Jane Nelsen, she discusses “how to break the code” of various behavioral categories:
- Undue Attention: The child stops for a while, but usually soon resumes the same behavior or some other behavior to get your attention.
- Misguided Power: The child continues misbehaving and may verbally defy or passively resist your request to stop.
- Revenge: The child retaliates by doing something destructive or saying hurtful. This often escalates to a revenge cycle between you and the child.
- Assumed Inadequacy: The child usually is passive, hoping you will soon give up and leave him or her alone. Sometimes this child will “act out”.
So our children go through these stages they are want our attention. The problem is when they want our attention, they ask for it in a way that annoy us. When it gets to the point of being “annoying” when more times then not, we get out of ourselves and worked up as this tests our patience. It’s important to allow yourself that “cool off” period to deal with the situation. Even if the situation needs to be addressed in a public setting, take a few seconds to gather yourself before you address your kids.
As adults when dealing with a child’s behavior, we automatically feel frustrated and angry when they don’t cooperate with us. Feeling threatened, hurt, or inadequate in makes us feel helpless in certain situations The question is to ask “what is really the underlay of me feeling angry and frustrated with my child’s behavior”? I am I scared, hurt, or threaten that my child won’t love me? I know that I have asked these questions to myself. We tend to want to “fix” the problem of what’s going on and are into our feelings. In this moment of your feelings, we are probably not thinking about what the child is feeling, and are focused in getting our point across so this child can stop misbehaving.
Through all of this, our children are reaching out to you for a sense of belonging. We react to the behavior instead of responding into what the behavior means. Once we us adults know that a misbehaved child is a discouraged child, then will we be able to understand ways to encourage our children. Encouragement is a great way to dismiss our child’s behavior. Once children feel the encourage from the adult, the transformation of their misbehavior will begin.